Sorry, Here and There.

Here I'm too soft, too fragile, too boring, I don't know how to do anything right, and too much of a goody two shoes. I don't know anything, and I always look like crap. I'm just not tough enough.

There I'm too harsh, too mean, so not smart enough, and every time something happens it's most definitely my fault, I don't do anything and it's all because I'm too lame, I never live in the real world, and I'm never good enough.

Sorry. I guess.

I'm sorry. That in trying to be nicer, I became softer. I'm sorry that I just can't seem to meet anyone's standards of living life the "right way". I'm sorry that even though I like how I look, I always look like crap to you. I'm sorry I remembered how to cry again. I'm sorry I was always better at entertaining myself than the rest of the world. I'm sorry that I can't seem to fix all your problems. I'm sorry I like to dream up world's and stories of unbelievable places. I am sorry that no matter how hard I try I always fall short of everyone's expectations. I'm sorry I don't value the same things the rest of the world does. I am so sorry that I take forever to do something, because I'm making sure it won't bother the people I care most about.
I am so sorry, that occasionally I like to be just me.

I. am. so. damn. sorry.

Update.

Everything starts this year, for me at least. Currently I am in my hometown, wasting away 90% of my days, to spend 10% with the people I love. I love my family, but I'm bored out of my mind. My dad has to work most of the time, and my sister is agreeable maybe 4 hours of the day in total (and even then your usually skirting the angry defensive temper just below the surface). My grandma, is lonely and bored as well, but she is grouchy and annoyingly reminiscent of things she's told me a hundred times over. And even though I'm probably one of the most patient people in my family, even my patience, can only endure the same story so many times. I love her to pieces, but it's a little hard to deal with her. Though fourth of July was wonderful, due to being around so much family, now it is over, and those who could resume their normal lives, did. While I am stuck in limbo, half-haeartedly trying to entertain myself. I hope everyone else, is having a good summer, and had a awesome fourth of July. Here are some pictures from my 4th of July. :)

For all the creative souls...

Ok, find the music player at the bottom of the page and pause the music. Find the play button on the video, and press play. Now, listen and watch, because here is a message, mostly definitely worth your time. :)

Understand.

I am sick of being the one to listen and understand, but I know if I stop, no one else will...

The Day Always Rises.

The girl's eyes slide slowly open, the heaviness of sleep still lingering on them. The light filtering through the pale window curtains cuts into her eyes. The world is cold and quiet, at least her little corner is. Her eyes move lazily about her room, as she goes over a list of things to do in her mind. Study for this test. Write a paper for that test. Prepare for this test. Finish project for that test.

She needs a really good grade on this test if she hopes for an A. She has to do well on that test, if she wants to finish the class well. If she has any hope of passing that class she'll have to study all weekend. She has to do really well in all of her classes if she hopes to raise her GPA. Sigh, her measly GPA, how pathetic it truly is. She wants to go to college. Scratch that. She has to go to college. But...how? She doesn't have any extracurriculars, she doesn't work, hasn't volunteered, and life hasn't been any harder for her than anyone else. Will any college even accept her. She doesn't have money saved and really doesn't want to be buried alive in debt when she graduates. Is that possible. Or is college all together a hopeless dream. Her mind whirls over the days worry and work over and over again, feeling the days pressure mounting before her as she slowly comes alive. The day has barely started and already she just wants it to end.

Her future is so foggy. She has no clue what she wants to do or study. Would a year off before college be ok? Another four years of school sounds like hell. She wants to travel and write, and learn but not by the traditional means. What should she do? She yearns for a life out of the ordinary, off the beaten track. But is she just to average, too ordinary, too normal to have it? And how long should she play along with this game of following the american dream? When thats the last thing she wants. how long should she put her family's idea of a wonderful life above her own? And if she does take that chance, make that choice, how would she start? She has no connections, no fortunes, she's not even certain about what she wants out of life.

Her head pounds. She lets her focus slide to something simple, something easy, something far less frightening.

Soft. Warm. Her soft blanket wrapped around her radiates back her own body heat, causing her to draw it tighter around her. She burrows deeper into her bedding. Why bother rising? Is there really much reason to? If her chances are shot before she's made a single move, why bother?

She closes her eyes and breathes in. She wipes her mind clean. She breathes in deep and gathers her strength. And with that she rises.

The world may seem bleak for now,

And the story's end may have been written down,

but no one knows what only time can tell.

To Believe in Man

The front cover of the book, and a few excerpts, though no color pages would show up

{NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED, all items belong to their respective owners}

To Believe in Man, by Joseph Pintauro and Corita King. I didn't think much of it, when I picked it up, but it caught my attention as the bell rang to end lunch. So I checked it out as I headed out to my next class. The book is filled with random doodles and blots of colorful waterpaint, and lots and lots of scribbly handwriting, with black and white photos here and there. But it was interesting, and once I had deciphered the handwrinting, I fell in love with some of the words, so here are some of my favorite excerpts

Favorite Excerpts-

-Sometimes it seems there's not even a wind for an answer to be blowin' in.

-Our worst ugliness was our blindness to our own beauty

-Remember all those things we used to blame on the devil, and all those things we left up to god?
Now it's all a hundred times more complicated.

-we must become new men or be satisfied as we are...
...either way we risk tragedy

-to believe in man is to eat a tomato that was grown on a fire escape

-...and if we are all sinners, then there are good sinners and bad sinners

-maybe we are less than our dreams would make us,

but that less is more than gods would dream of

-for we have seen if only one of us
decides to pull the plug,
the millions of us can
kiss the world
goodbye
whether we like it or not

-don't forget you are children of the earth

-Don't knock yourself out over
Adam and Eve
And smooth or hairy monkeys
Enter into your own evolution
if you think you're man enough

-if it came out of a woman, man you better believe it

Count me Out.

I'm so glad, I left my hometown. Everyone here, thinks being cool and being messed up is synonymous. I hate it. Almost everyone I grew up with drinks, parties, and does drugs. I am so glad I walked away from here. And every time I ask them why they do it. They give me the same stupid excuse. "Everyone does it." and then they laugh and look at me like I'm the crazy one. I'm sorry but if that's what being a teenager is then, count me out, I just want to get these years over with, so I can really start living my life.